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At first blush Sirius thought she might have been hinting that she wanted to try for a baby but it was now all too apparent that this wasn’t a distant future sort of discussion. Fuck, it wasn’t even a sort-of-far-off future. She was sodding pregnant and Sirius felt his body moving of its own accord. “We’re not having a sodding baby, you nut job! This isn’t a fucking relationship, it’s the one-night stand from hell! Fuck, Regina, are you really that obtuse?! Delusional?! Who the bloody hell would want to have a baby with you, because it’s certainly not me!”

Ten months?! Was that all? Merlin, it felt like so much longer than that. It felt as though Regina had moved in years ago. Honestly, a decade in Azkaban was more inviting that a year with Regina. He really had to put an end to this. He’d been avoiding the inevitable for too long now, purely out of laziness and perhaps a teensy bit of pride. Having woken up still drunk and shockingly married in Las Vegas ten sodding months ago, Sirius had sworn off alcohol but being married to Regina had effectively reversed that resolution. He was teetering on the edge of alcoholism these days, if only to cope with having to be around her so bloody often. No, he had to wizard up and take care of this. He had to tell Regina she was off her sodding rocker, their marriage was an obvious sham, and she was high as a sodding broomstick if she thought they were going to plan a lavish anniversary party or whatever she was going on about. He’d reached the end of his ropes, which was a pity as Regina’s next words made him want to hang himself. “Like bloody hell we are!” he said with a look of shock and disgust. What sort of a sick joke was she playing at? They couldn’t have a baby! He didn’t want a baby! Not with Regina anyway. And not now. What the fucking fuck was she thinking?!

Sirius was completely lost in his own actions, shredding a brilliant make-believe guitar solo, eyes squeezed shut, and hair flopping front to back. He looked like a fucking rock ‘n roll sex god, he knew it even though there was no one around to confirm – “Hello, darling.” Sirius let out a yelp and stumbled to the floor, scrambling for his wand which he managed to get out of his jean pockets just as he realized he was not being attacked (technically) but that he was, in fact, just a married sod. “What the fuck, Regina?! When the bloody hell did you get here?” She’d been gone for so long, Sirius had all but forgotten she existed. It was a nice several weeks but now the good times seemed to be at an end.

Sirius had been for a visit to Prongs’ and Lily’s for a little ‘in hiding’ brunch. If they weren’t going out and about anymore, for fear of Voldesnort, the least they could do was throw a mid-morning rager with their toddler son in tow. Lily tried to argue that there was no such thing, but Sirius won out and he enjoyed his time spent with the Potters and their little bub. Harry was growing so big that Sirius was going to be able to take him on his motorbike soon enough, though again Lily (and strangely James this time, too) seemed to think his plans were unwise. They were turning into such adults, it was disgusting.

Belly full, Sirius flew through the clouds, avoiding a flock of geese as he made his way home. The rumble from his motorbike sounded his approach as the tires gently touched ground and he rolled up the gravel parkway before coming to a stop in front of the old vicarage. He ran his hand through his shaggy hair as he hopped off his bike and headed up the path to the front door, humming a song by The Damned he’d had stuck in his head for the last fortnight. “Guess I knew that I always would. I can't stop to mess around.” His head bopped back and forth as he pushed open the front door and paused in the doorway for a brilliant air guitar solo complete with headbanging.

“Yeah…” Regina training him was absurd, mostly because Sirius didn’t spend enough time at home for any of her attempts at training to stick. Though she seemed to think the sun shone out his arse – which, let’s be honest, it did – so there wasn’t much training needing to be done in the first place. Maybe he could train her to run away. That’d be a nice Christmas gift. He doubted Father Christmas could wrap that up under the tree, and the way Regina reacted to Lily’s comment only gave him a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Never mind the women, he’d deal with them later. “Mummy thinks everyone gets training, ‘cause she trained your daddy up so well. Can you say ‘whipped’, Harry?” He made a whipping gesture with his free hand and a little “whu-pah!” sound in James’ direction, who was sitting with Moony, both looking a little sullen. “For Merlin’s sake, Prongs, are we going to wait all day for Harry to open some presents? The kid’s dying for some wrapping parchment over here!”

Sirius was not at all concerned with whether his parents would be expecting him at the Lestrange Christmas party, mostly because he knew they weren’t. They had cursed his name when he’d run away and disowning him officially was probably the thrill of Walburga’s miserable life. He could only imagine what Orion would do if Sirius’ smug face showed up after all these years, a sodding pureblood princess on his arm to present as his new wife? Die of a heart attack, quite possibly. The thought was gleeful enough that Sirius almost agreed to go but thought better of his impulsive nature when Regina appeared in the lounge. He needed to sort out this first disaster before creating any new ones. Didn’t he? She sat beside him with a happy little sigh that made Sirius want to head for the hills. Instead, he drank his cocktail in silence and when he was finished, he asked Regina to fix him another.

By the time he was three drinks in, Sirius was feeling pretty great, having nearly forgotten all about the horrible invitation he’d received earlier at tea. He lounged on the sofa in a relaxed pose, his head low enough that it rested on the back cushion without effort. He had been regaling Regina with a tale of the time he and Peter had lost their shirts at a poker hall. “Literally! Dunno where it went!” He’d also lost a fair bit of silver in the process, but it was unclear whether the men had spent it on gambling or booze; they’d had too much of both. “Next thing I remember, we’re waking up outside. I’m in a bush and Wormtail’s in the sodding pool. In it! Bugger nearly drowned.” He laughed obnoxiously, raising his glass to his lips and then frowning when he realized it was empty. “Be a good wifey and top us off, eh love?” Sirius shook his empty glass at her. He smacked her on the bum as she stood and gave her a naughty smile. Regina might have been a total nutter, but she was hot as fuck and a good shag, particularly after Sirius had a few too many drinks.

Regina was fawning over him again, and not in one of the very few pleasurable ways he enjoyed. Sirius shrugged out from under her touch under the guise of trying to place one of the gifts he had brought under the farther side of the tree. He hoped he was casual about it, not wanting to cause a huge scene on Christmas. James couldn’t even throw him a bone and take Regina up on her offer to help out Lily in the other room. Sure, Evans would have murdered James the second Regina was gone, but it would have been worth it for a little time away from his hanger-on. Sirius stood and took advantage of having a now empty sack in his hands as an excuse to cross the room to the cloak cupboard, tossing the bag inside and out of the way just as Remus re-appeared with Harry. “There’s the little tike.” Forgetting all about his annoying wife for a moment, Sirius bounded over to Remus and Harry. He helped the baby raise up a hand and gave him a little high-five. “Hey, bub. Happy Christmas.”