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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 27, 2018 13:47:53 GMT
 Monday 26th March 1979
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 Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
Some b*tch is trying to make a move on my man! How do I show her who's boss?
- Cuckoo, Kerry ________________________________ Dear Cuckoo,
Brand him? Kidding. I'm kidding. It depends who this floozy is, if she's a friend, you need a show down and a serious cull of your friendship circle. If she's some stranger or works with him or something vague like that, make him change his job. If he has no interest in her and he really loves you, he'll jump ship and get a new job to keep you happy. If she's just a general acquaintance, pull her aside (by her hair), and tell her to back the hell off if she doesn't want to vomit slugs for the next month. I don't condole violence, we are a family paper, but you have to stamp your authority down. Think of her as a puppy, if she keeps wanting to nibble on your man's fingers, you have to swat her on the nose repeatedly until she gets the message.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
My boyfriend is obsessed with Quidditch. He has posters of teams and players and spends all his spare money on going to matches instead of spending it on me! What should I do?
- Overlooked, Monmouth ________________________________ Dear Overlooked,
Aside from parading about naked when he's supposed to leave for a match, my only suggestion is for you to fake an interest and go with him. Try and learn to enjoy the sport, show an interest in what he loves and he'll soon reward you for it by giving you more attention and gifts. If you think Quidditch is boring, you've got another thing coming, have you seen some of the hot hunks of good lookin' up on those brooms!? I'm telling you, I've been lucky enough to interview a lot of them, and they are delicious! Go and enjoy that with your boyfriend, you won't regret it.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 21, 2018 13:59:21 GMT
Monday 19th March 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I think my wife might be cheating on me. How can I prove it?
- Spy Man, Nottingham ________________________________ Dear Spy Man,
Veritaserum? Slip it in her wine (or tea if she's a bore) and ask away! If that's a little too intrusive and disrespectful for your liking (as if she's not disrespecting you completely if she is cheating), you could always follow her. You called yourself Spy Man, you must consider yourself a pretty good detective. Do some snooping. Take a week off work, rent a crappy car and stalk her like there's no tomorrow. Good luck!
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
I'm an eighteen year young woman. Really quite attractive (I'd say I was about an 8.5, 9 for weddings and stuff) and I get plenty of guys interested in me but they're just way too immature for me. Last night I was masturbating and an image of my sister's husband popped into my mind and made me ... y'know. He's 15 years older than me and been married to my sister for ten years. Should I go for it with him?
- Big O, Down ________________________________ Dear Big O,
Nobody cares about who you're thinking of when you give yourself a tickle, but to make a move on your sister's husband just because you get your rocks off to him is a really bad idea. Like, really bad. Horrendously awful. He's happily married. Why would you ruin your sister's life? You say you find all of the men who fancy you immature, but it sounds to me like you're the immature one, and need to give yourself a good slap. In the face, not the hoo-ha! There's someone with equally questionable morals out there for you, just hang in there and get yourself some porn to tide you over while you wait for him to sweep in and blow your mind. In a really mature way.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 15, 2018 12:24:51 GMT
 Merry Legs "Fine," the bartender conceded while Tersha put her purse away and the huge amount of Galleons she had stashed inside. A quick flash of it had been enough to convince the guy to play along. "Two floating drinks coming up." Tersha grinned as he set to work mixing up the cocktails. "Works every time," she bragged to Dorcas, though Dorcas didn't respond. Blinking, Tersha looked beside her to find nobody there. Strange, usually people just followed her like lap dogs. She turned, chocolate eyes scanning the room to find Dorcas halfway between the bar and the table they had been at, having her arse felt by some woman while her boyfriend watched on. Tilting her head, Tersha studied the scene for a moment. Everyone seemed to be happy. "Heh," she shrugged and turned her back on the group, leaving them to get on with their groping session. She'd felt Dorcas' arse a few times, it was amazing. Everyone should have the privilege of experiencing that kind of perfection at least once in their lives, Dorcas was doing the couple a real favour. Pulling a tiny ornate mirror from her purse, Tersha checked her makeup, reapplying her lipstick and poofing up her hair so it looked even more like a fabulous mane. Dorcas appeared at her side at some point, but Tersha waited until she was happy with her appearance before clicking the mirror shut and returning it to her purse. She glanced sideways at Dorcas. "Stealing people's girlfriends?" she asked with a grin, eyes flickering to the bartender who was still mixing their drinks. How the hell long did it take to make drinks that floated people!? Surely he was just taking the piss and dawdling. If he wanted that tip she'd flashed at him he needed to hurry the hell up because she wasn't about to wait around all night just to taste some random concoction bar guy had decided to throw together. Did he even know what he was doing? He had better, or he'd be getting fired. Tersha's level of adequacy when it came to complaining was high. She could get people sacked and get herself a nice load of compensation in her sleep. Alcoholic compensation was just as welcome as any other form. "We're getting floaty cocktails," she told Dorcas happily, pointing to the incompetent bartender. "At some point tonight!" Her voice rose to a shout so bar guy could hear her, and he gave a worried glance over his shoulder and sped up the process a little bit. _______________________ tag: Dorcas Amilie Meadowes notes: <3 [googlefont="Homemade Apple"] |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 14, 2018 12:05:17 GMT
Monday 12th March 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
My dad is being such a square! He won't let me date. I'M 21 AND LIVING ON MY OWN!! How can I show him that he has to let go sometimes and I need my own space?
- The Baby, Stirling ________________________________ Dear The Baby,
You're TWENTY ONE. Why in Merlin's name does your father even still know what you're up to in life? You've been an adult for four years, you don't have to tell him what you're doing or who you're doing! It's time to grow up and cut those apron strings, daddy dearest can just learn to deal with it. Privacy is a thing. Maybe he's never heard of it, but he needs a lesson. Stop telling him all of your business.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
My sister is doing my head in! She's always stealing my clothes and because she's two sizes too big she's stretching them! She doesn't even use a simple enlargement charm! How can I tell her to keep her piggy-fat arse out of my clothes!?
- Perfect Ten, Roxburgshire ________________________________ Dear Perfect Ten,
Shrink her clothes. I'm not kidding, go in her wardrobe, shrink all of her clothes, and when she comes to you with her kickers in a twist, just tell her you borrowed them and they were too big so you fixed them, and it's no big deal because she does it to yours all of the time. Karma. Take no prisoners.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 5, 2018 15:01:58 GMT
Monday 5th March 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
Thank you so much for your advice regarding my beneath the skirt issue! Your miracle cure completely worked and now I have no embarrassing smell at the office and I can wear a skirt again! Thank you!!!
- Whiffy, England ________________________________ Dear Whiffy,
I'm so glad you're feeling better! All thanks to the top tip I got just for you from my wonderful best friend, D. I will make sure I pass along your thanks and your excitement at wearing skirts again. I really hope it helps you get some, too. Keep up the good hygiene!
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
Ever since I was little I've had night terrors that shake me to my core, usually about my father who was rather absent from my life despite living with the family. I thought these dreams would go away after my father's death but they've only seemed to get worse. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?
- Sleepless In Wales, Cardiff ________________________________ Dear Sleepless In Wales,
I'm sorry about your father, and what you're going through. It can be hard dealing with the loss of a loved one, and sleep is usually a nightmare (excuse the pun) when dark things are playing on your mind. Have you thought about trying sleeping potions? There are some great ones out there that can be prescribed just for you by healers or herbologists, and you will wake up every morning feeling like you've slept on a cloud. You sound like you need a good dose of therapy, too. Talking helps, trust me, I'm someone who never shuts up and it's so therapeutic. Look after yourself, grief and night terrors will fade in time.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 28, 2018 14:09:52 GMT
Merry Legs Dorcas was right, if Tersha didn't yet feel like she was about to hit the ceiling and hug it, there really hadn't been enough drinking going on. She held one finger up in the air as she considered this, a slight frown at her perfectly groomed brow. She wasn't sure how long she'd been silent and thinking, but she eventually broke the moment by jumping to her feet. "You are right!" she declared, grabbing her purse from the table and flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Come on," she urged Dorcas, "if we stay in these seats any longer we'll have square butts, and I don't think there's a spell to fix that." There was a spell to fix everything, especially cosmetic things, there was absolutely no excuse these days for anyone to look anything less than drop dead gorgeous at all times. Between Madam Pimpernelle's and other potions dedicated to beauty, and then charms on top, it was just sheer laziness not to look like a goddess. She really didn't want to tackle a flat behind, though, nobody had time for that kind of drama. She stormed across the room towards the bar as though she owned the place, and got the looks from patrons to match the attitude, she may have been tipsy, but she was a fucking tipsy movie star, and she deserved to be looked upon as one, too. Flashing a dazzling grin at one particularly handsome man as she passed, she rested her beautifully manicured fingers on the bar and gave the nearest bar tender a look of pure superiority that had him hurrying to assist her. "Me and my friend are looking for some special cocktails," she began, not bothering to look behind or beside her for Dorcas, and just assuming the tiny beauty had followed her lead. Who wouldn't? "Floating cocktails." The man stared. "Not cocktails that float, cocktails that make you float. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, you've worked here for years, I spend a lot of money in here, I know you know that I know you make them. I've seen feet leave the floor in here before." She had, she was sure of it. The cocktails Dorcas had been talking about didn't necessarily make a person float to the ceiling for hugging purposes, like one might assume, but they did make your feet come up off the floor by a foot or so, which was probably a recipe for embarrassing yourself, but they were young, fun should be had before they hit thirty and looked like idiots trying to regain their youth. _______________________ tag: Dorcas Amilie Meadowes notes: <3 [googlefont="Homemade Apple"] |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 26, 2018 15:44:38 GMT
Monday 26th February 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
What up girl!? So I have this best friend who I haven't seen in ages and she hasn't dragged me out for drinks since just after Christmas. Should I send her some kind of hint to get her arse over to mine so we can get wasted and talk about hot guys, sexy arses and all that other girly crap?
- Snake Hips, Wales ________________________________ Dear Snake Hips,
If this girl is your best friend, I'd say you should just barge right into her house and make yourself at home. If she's out, I'm sure she'd be thrilled to see you after a long day at work, or shopping, or being fabulous at whatever she does. Always take wine to sweeten the deal, and I'd suggest being prepared for some sort of pampering session, because this best friend of your sounds like she needs a good home massage and maybe a mani-pedi, some sparkles and glamour from a professional. That's what I would do, anyway. Let me know how it goes!
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
Your advice is hurtful, blunt and damaging. STOP. NOW.
- Offended, Scotland ________________________________ Dear Offended,
Shouting is rude. The use of all capital letters is considered rude and offensive when used in such a manner and I'd appreciate it if you could conduct yourself with better manners when dealing with a writer who is bound to pick up on your rudeness and point it out. Thank you for taking the time to write in to me, I know I don't always get time to reply to all of the letters I get, and it's hard to get yourself printed, the lack of attention and acknowledgement can be crippling and hard to deal with. As an apology and acknowledgement of you as a person, I have sent you a signed picture of myself, personalised, just for you. Thank you for being a fan!
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 26, 2018 15:31:43 GMT
Monday 19th February 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I can't have children and I'm at a loss as to what to do and I feel you're the only one that could help. I don't want my husband to leave me. Have you any advice at all?
- Hopeless, Cornwall ________________________________ Dear Hopeless,
Firstly, if your husband is the type of man that will leave you because you can't give him children, then you need to be filing for divorce. Yesterday. Second, having kids isn't the be-all and end-all of life! There's so much more to life than cleaning barf, poop, and snot, you (and your husband) should seriously be more appreciative of all the other great stuff the world has to offer. So you can't get fat and ruin your hoo-ha, there are worse things! Enjoy the freedom, enjoy each other, and if having kids is something he really wants, there are plenty - as in, a shocking number - of orphaned kids out there who really need some decent people to step up and give them a good life. Don't worry so much, everything has a way of working out for the best.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
Me best mate's getting married soon and I've got to prepare a blinder of a speech. I mean I've got embarrassing stories galore. One time he got his d**k stuck in a letter box and it was bloody hilarious! But would that be too much to include? Where should I draw the line - if at all? Should I also tug at the heartstrings? Maybe mention I'm helplessly in love with him?
- Twelve Inch Tim, Cork ________________________________ Dear Twelve Inch Tim,
It depends whether the bride is going to grab you by your twelve inches and swing you around the chapel if you go too far. If she's a classy woman, then please hold back for your own sake. Ruining someone else's wedding isn't going to make you any friends (nor is it going to get you the man of your dreams. Let it go, big guy.) If she's a more fun type of person, then I say go for it. If you have those kinds of stories, then why not use them? You don't have to use vulgar words, there are more respectable ways of talking about someone's appendage getting stuck in a letter box, I'm sure. Have fun at the wedding, I'm sure you won't be going home alone, whatever happens.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 14, 2018 14:13:48 GMT
 My beautiful bitch, Dorcas Amilie Meadowes You, me, drinks, food, gossip, pyjamas. Let's do it, baby! Your place or mine, I'm always up for a fun night between the sheets with you. Owl me. Love you, gorgeous! Hugs and kisses, Tersha Alara Knight |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 14, 2018 14:10:59 GMT
 Dear me, You're so hot. Love, me xxxxxxx |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 14, 2018 14:09:50 GMT
 Dear beautiful, wonderful me, You are gorgeous and magnificent, special and magical, sexy as hell and a total catch, and you really deserve all the luxurious treats today! All the love in the world, Tersha Alara Knight |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 10, 2018 16:51:53 GMT
Monday 12th February 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I'm bored with my current partner. Lately he's been working more and more and we've not had time to be intimate, if you know what I mean. Help a girlfriend out? I don't want to throw away the last two years.
- Horny, Suffolk ________________________________ Dear Horny,
Show up at his work naked (throw on a coat if he works in a busy place). Drag him in a back room or an alley or somewhere and screw his brains out. If he can't be at home and you're feeling the tingle, go to him! Take charge. If he has issues and doesn't want to, dump his arse and find someone who is more suited to your sexual needs. There will be some wild men out there who will never let location come in the way of giving you what you need.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
I have four sons but I would dearly love to try for a little girl. How can I convince my husband we should try one more time?
- Pink Dreamer, Devon ________________________________ Dear Pink Dreamer,
First of all, I hope you're better at coming up with names for your children than you are at coming up with alias names for yourself. Second, why do you need his permission to have another child? Accidents happen all the time, especially in loving families. Just let it happen, what's he gonna say, "five is too much, I'm leaving you, you can go it alone"? I doubt it. If you want a less controversial way of going about it, get your sons to beg him for another sibling. You don't have to tell them you want a girl, just hype them up about the possibility of having another brother, they'll dive on it and hound him until he gives in. Good luck with five kids!
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 10, 2018 16:36:37 GMT
Merry Legs She wasn't one to turn down a compliment or ten, and basking in Dorcas pointing out how beautiful she was was just the easiest thing in the world to Tersha, but she would never deny that her best friend was an eleven, and there was something satisfying about knowing they were the best looking pair in the building tonight. Tersha gave a wicked smirk that told of a whole world of experience. "You know what they say about big noses," she teased. Thad had had somewhat of a nose on him, but he'd been handsome. Unconventionally handsome was a thing, and he had been it, but his money made him a hell of a lot more attractive. That and his accent. He'd had this rough around the edges British accent that had just made her want to throw her knickers at him when she'd first met him. It was inevitable that they'd end up married, and she had been genuinely sad when he'd been killed, but it was his own fault. Dodgy dealings were not Tersha's thing, she believed that honesty was the best policy, even if people didn't want to hear it. Thad being shady had led to his death, which only confirmed that she was living her life right. Then again, her way of doing things meant pissed off people were likely to come after her one day, too. Best to enjoy her riches while she could. "The only thing that's well adjusted on you is your boobs in that bra." Tersha rubbished Dorcas' claim of being well adjusted, and therefore rubbished her own claim to it, too. Neither of them were, in honesty. Dorcas had been raised by lovely people, and turned out to be bitchy and selfish, and more than a little bit emotionally crippled. Tersha had been raised by two cold fish - or nannies, if you wanted to be specific - and she'd turned out to be a cutthroat bitch with a love of money and power. It was proof that no matter how you were brought up, you would be who you were going to be no matter what. At least that was Tersha's take on how things worked, she knew not everyone would agree with her. Nor did she give a trolls testicle. "How many of these have we had?" she asked, pointing to her glass and then feeling as though pointing to it wasn't enough, it needed more attention than that, so she downed the other half of its contents and placed it delicately back down on the table, licking her lips. "I feel a little bit floaty." She had also skipped eating dinner, but she wouldn't be telling Dorcas that. There was no need to admit she was feeling the effects of the cocktails a little bit more than she should right then. _______________________ tag: Dorcas Amilie Meadowes notes: <3 [googlefont="Homemade Apple"] |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 3, 2018 15:31:09 GMT
Monday 5th February 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I just found out that my husband has been having an affair. We've been married for twelve years and have two kids together, he's seeing a younger woman and I just don't know what to do. Should I leave him, or try and make it work?
- Heartbroken, Brighton ________________________________ Dear Heartbroken,
I have a third option for you that is far more healthy than either of your ideas. Stay with him for six months, do not sleep with him under any circumstances, spend his money, buy yourself and your children every nice thing you see, get him into thousands (or millions if he has it) of Galleons worth of debt. Valentine's Day is just around the corner, go nuts! Fleece him for all he is worth, then divorce his filthy arse and take the house, too. Go on a nice holiday and let him rot in hell. You got this.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
My friend set me up on a blind date with a really lovely guy. He's sweet and funny, and a complete gentleman, but I just can't get past his large teeth and monobrow. I know it's really shallow of me to judge him based on looks, but I genuinely think he's half giant or something, and I don't know how to tell him that I'm not interested in seeing him any more.
- Repulsed, Shropshire ________________________________ Dear Repulsed,
This is a tough one. My first instinct would be to tell you to just be honest with the guy. Say "Look, you're a really nice guy and I enjoy your company, but your face offends me, so we can't see each other any more." Straight to the point. Minimal confusion. Everybody goes home with a bit of clarity. If that's not your style, maybe try a different tactic. "I'm sure you must be half giant, you're so tall and strong, I'm scared that you'd split me a new one if we had sex and I just can't risk it. Have a nice life." Or just ignore him and don't reply to his owls or calls. If you see him in the street, walk the other way, or just hold your head high and stroll right on past. No mercy, you can't have a future with babies that look like donkeys. Gentlemen aren't everything.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 2, 2018 16:02:06 GMT
Merry Legs "Ohh, so you think you and Huge Rod will have baby ogres," she teased, not agreeing at all that beautiful people usually had ugly babies. If Tersha had a kid, it would be the most stunning baby ever to exist, and she would bitch slap anyone who said other wise up and down Diagon Alley til the sun set. Not that she was ever having babies. But Dorcas might. And with a Lestrange at that. It was the best piece of gossip she had ever gotten her paws on, and it was the only piece of gossip she wouldn't dream of telling a soul. It was such an unfair situation. To find out one of the most respectable Pureblood buisinessmen was having an affair with a blood traitor was just incredible, really, if she hadn't known Dorcas, it would have been the highlight of her career so far getting to report on that and write up all the drama for the Prophet. As it was, she had to just die inside over it and keep her big mouth shut. Outrageous, but she would do it. Dorcas was her best friend, she'd do anything for her, including trying to come up with ways to get rid of Rodolphus' wife. "I don't know why he doesn't ditch the ball and chain, I mean look at her, cats drag in better looking things. It's not even a competition, the guy needs to sort it out already."The cocktails might have been fueling her rant just a tiny bit, but most of what she was saying, she was saying it because it was how she genuinely felt about the situation. Dorcas was a twenty, Bellatrix Lestrange was far, far into the minuses. There was no competition, and if it came to choosing between the two women, Rodolphus must have had some serious issues to still be sticking by the twigs side when he could have a tiny little sex kitten every day of his life if only he'd see sense. The new drinks arrived, and Tersha muttered a quick and half hearted "thanks" to the waitress before snatching hers up and drinking more than was deemed elegant in one go. She didn't give a shit about elegant any more, her dress saw to it that she looked the part, and her attitude no longer needed to match. She was on her way to being far too drunk to care what anyone thought of her, but they all knew she was a bitch anyway, so who cared if she lived up to that, right? Dorcas didn't care! "You don't care that I'm a bitch, right?" she asked, flipping an annoyed hand towards the waitress. "She cares. I don't care, I don't think you care. I mean, you think I'm well adjusted, so you clearly turn a blind eye." If absolute ruthless cow was the definition of well adjusted these days then Tersha certainly fit the role for that one. _______________________ tag: Dorcas Amilie Meadowes notes: <3 [googlefont="Homemade Apple"] |
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