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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 3, 2018 15:31:09 GMT
 Monday 5th February 1979
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 Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I just found out that my husband has been having an affair. We've been married for twelve years and have two kids together, he's seeing a younger woman and I just don't know what to do. Should I leave him, or try and make it work?
- Heartbroken, Brighton ________________________________ Dear Heartbroken,
I have a third option for you that is far more healthy than either of your ideas. Stay with him for six months, do not sleep with him under any circumstances, spend his money, buy yourself and your children every nice thing you see, get him into thousands (or millions if he has it) of Galleons worth of debt. Valentine's Day is just around the corner, go nuts! Fleece him for all he is worth, then divorce his filthy arse and take the house, too. Go on a nice holiday and let him rot in hell. You got this.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
My friend set me up on a blind date with a really lovely guy. He's sweet and funny, and a complete gentleman, but I just can't get past his large teeth and monobrow. I know it's really shallow of me to judge him based on looks, but I genuinely think he's half giant or something, and I don't know how to tell him that I'm not interested in seeing him any more.
- Repulsed, Shropshire ________________________________ Dear Repulsed,
This is a tough one. My first instinct would be to tell you to just be honest with the guy. Say "Look, you're a really nice guy and I enjoy your company, but your face offends me, so we can't see each other any more." Straight to the point. Minimal confusion. Everybody goes home with a bit of clarity. If that's not your style, maybe try a different tactic. "I'm sure you must be half giant, you're so tall and strong, I'm scared that you'd split me a new one if we had sex and I just can't risk it. Have a nice life." Or just ignore him and don't reply to his owls or calls. If you see him in the street, walk the other way, or just hold your head high and stroll right on past. No mercy, you can't have a future with babies that look like donkeys. Gentlemen aren't everything.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 10, 2018 16:51:53 GMT
Monday 12th February 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I'm bored with my current partner. Lately he's been working more and more and we've not had time to be intimate, if you know what I mean. Help a girlfriend out? I don't want to throw away the last two years.
- Horny, Suffolk ________________________________ Dear Horny,
Show up at his work naked (throw on a coat if he works in a busy place). Drag him in a back room or an alley or somewhere and screw his brains out. If he can't be at home and you're feeling the tingle, go to him! Take charge. If he has issues and doesn't want to, dump his arse and find someone who is more suited to your sexual needs. There will be some wild men out there who will never let location come in the way of giving you what you need.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
I have four sons but I would dearly love to try for a little girl. How can I convince my husband we should try one more time?
- Pink Dreamer, Devon ________________________________ Dear Pink Dreamer,
First of all, I hope you're better at coming up with names for your children than you are at coming up with alias names for yourself. Second, why do you need his permission to have another child? Accidents happen all the time, especially in loving families. Just let it happen, what's he gonna say, "five is too much, I'm leaving you, you can go it alone"? I doubt it. If you want a less controversial way of going about it, get your sons to beg him for another sibling. You don't have to tell them you want a girl, just hype them up about the possibility of having another brother, they'll dive on it and hound him until he gives in. Good luck with five kids!
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 26, 2018 15:31:43 GMT
Monday 19th February 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I can't have children and I'm at a loss as to what to do and I feel you're the only one that could help. I don't want my husband to leave me. Have you any advice at all?
- Hopeless, Cornwall ________________________________ Dear Hopeless,
Firstly, if your husband is the type of man that will leave you because you can't give him children, then you need to be filing for divorce. Yesterday. Second, having kids isn't the be-all and end-all of life! There's so much more to life than cleaning barf, poop, and snot, you (and your husband) should seriously be more appreciative of all the other great stuff the world has to offer. So you can't get fat and ruin your hoo-ha, there are worse things! Enjoy the freedom, enjoy each other, and if having kids is something he really wants, there are plenty - as in, a shocking number - of orphaned kids out there who really need some decent people to step up and give them a good life. Don't worry so much, everything has a way of working out for the best.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
Me best mate's getting married soon and I've got to prepare a blinder of a speech. I mean I've got embarrassing stories galore. One time he got his d**k stuck in a letter box and it was bloody hilarious! But would that be too much to include? Where should I draw the line - if at all? Should I also tug at the heartstrings? Maybe mention I'm helplessly in love with him?
- Twelve Inch Tim, Cork ________________________________ Dear Twelve Inch Tim,
It depends whether the bride is going to grab you by your twelve inches and swing you around the chapel if you go too far. If she's a classy woman, then please hold back for your own sake. Ruining someone else's wedding isn't going to make you any friends (nor is it going to get you the man of your dreams. Let it go, big guy.) If she's a more fun type of person, then I say go for it. If you have those kinds of stories, then why not use them? You don't have to use vulgar words, there are more respectable ways of talking about someone's appendage getting stuck in a letter box, I'm sure. Have fun at the wedding, I'm sure you won't be going home alone, whatever happens.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Feb 26, 2018 15:44:38 GMT
Monday 26th February 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
What up girl!? So I have this best friend who I haven't seen in ages and she hasn't dragged me out for drinks since just after Christmas. Should I send her some kind of hint to get her arse over to mine so we can get wasted and talk about hot guys, sexy arses and all that other girly crap?
- Snake Hips, Wales ________________________________ Dear Snake Hips,
If this girl is your best friend, I'd say you should just barge right into her house and make yourself at home. If she's out, I'm sure she'd be thrilled to see you after a long day at work, or shopping, or being fabulous at whatever she does. Always take wine to sweeten the deal, and I'd suggest being prepared for some sort of pampering session, because this best friend of your sounds like she needs a good home massage and maybe a mani-pedi, some sparkles and glamour from a professional. That's what I would do, anyway. Let me know how it goes!
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
Your advice is hurtful, blunt and damaging. STOP. NOW.
- Offended, Scotland ________________________________ Dear Offended,
Shouting is rude. The use of all capital letters is considered rude and offensive when used in such a manner and I'd appreciate it if you could conduct yourself with better manners when dealing with a writer who is bound to pick up on your rudeness and point it out. Thank you for taking the time to write in to me, I know I don't always get time to reply to all of the letters I get, and it's hard to get yourself printed, the lack of attention and acknowledgement can be crippling and hard to deal with. As an apology and acknowledgement of you as a person, I have sent you a signed picture of myself, personalised, just for you. Thank you for being a fan!
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 5, 2018 15:01:58 GMT
Monday 5th March 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
Thank you so much for your advice regarding my beneath the skirt issue! Your miracle cure completely worked and now I have no embarrassing smell at the office and I can wear a skirt again! Thank you!!!
- Whiffy, England ________________________________ Dear Whiffy,
I'm so glad you're feeling better! All thanks to the top tip I got just for you from my wonderful best friend, D. I will make sure I pass along your thanks and your excitement at wearing skirts again. I really hope it helps you get some, too. Keep up the good hygiene!
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
Ever since I was little I've had night terrors that shake me to my core, usually about my father who was rather absent from my life despite living with the family. I thought these dreams would go away after my father's death but they've only seemed to get worse. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?
- Sleepless In Wales, Cardiff ________________________________ Dear Sleepless In Wales,
I'm sorry about your father, and what you're going through. It can be hard dealing with the loss of a loved one, and sleep is usually a nightmare (excuse the pun) when dark things are playing on your mind. Have you thought about trying sleeping potions? There are some great ones out there that can be prescribed just for you by healers or herbologists, and you will wake up every morning feeling like you've slept on a cloud. You sound like you need a good dose of therapy, too. Talking helps, trust me, I'm someone who never shuts up and it's so therapeutic. Look after yourself, grief and night terrors will fade in time.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 14, 2018 12:05:17 GMT
Monday 12th March 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
My dad is being such a square! He won't let me date. I'M 21 AND LIVING ON MY OWN!! How can I show him that he has to let go sometimes and I need my own space?
- The Baby, Stirling ________________________________ Dear The Baby,
You're TWENTY ONE. Why in Merlin's name does your father even still know what you're up to in life? You've been an adult for four years, you don't have to tell him what you're doing or who you're doing! It's time to grow up and cut those apron strings, daddy dearest can just learn to deal with it. Privacy is a thing. Maybe he's never heard of it, but he needs a lesson. Stop telling him all of your business.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
My sister is doing my head in! She's always stealing my clothes and because she's two sizes too big she's stretching them! She doesn't even use a simple enlargement charm! How can I tell her to keep her piggy-fat arse out of my clothes!?
- Perfect Ten, Roxburgshire ________________________________ Dear Perfect Ten,
Shrink her clothes. I'm not kidding, go in her wardrobe, shrink all of her clothes, and when she comes to you with her kickers in a twist, just tell her you borrowed them and they were too big so you fixed them, and it's no big deal because she does it to yours all of the time. Karma. Take no prisoners.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 21, 2018 13:59:21 GMT
Monday 19th March 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I think my wife might be cheating on me. How can I prove it?
- Spy Man, Nottingham ________________________________ Dear Spy Man,
Veritaserum? Slip it in her wine (or tea if she's a bore) and ask away! If that's a little too intrusive and disrespectful for your liking (as if she's not disrespecting you completely if she is cheating), you could always follow her. You called yourself Spy Man, you must consider yourself a pretty good detective. Do some snooping. Take a week off work, rent a crappy car and stalk her like there's no tomorrow. Good luck!
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
I'm an eighteen year young woman. Really quite attractive (I'd say I was about an 8.5, 9 for weddings and stuff) and I get plenty of guys interested in me but they're just way too immature for me. Last night I was masturbating and an image of my sister's husband popped into my mind and made me ... y'know. He's 15 years older than me and been married to my sister for ten years. Should I go for it with him?
- Big O, Down ________________________________ Dear Big O,
Nobody cares about who you're thinking of when you give yourself a tickle, but to make a move on your sister's husband just because you get your rocks off to him is a really bad idea. Like, really bad. Horrendously awful. He's happily married. Why would you ruin your sister's life? You say you find all of the men who fancy you immature, but it sounds to me like you're the immature one, and need to give yourself a good slap. In the face, not the hoo-ha! There's someone with equally questionable morals out there for you, just hang in there and get yourself some porn to tide you over while you wait for him to sweep in and blow your mind. In a really mature way.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Mar 27, 2018 13:47:53 GMT
Monday 26th March 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
Some b*tch is trying to make a move on my man! How do I show her who's boss?
- Cuckoo, Kerry ________________________________ Dear Cuckoo,
Brand him? Kidding. I'm kidding. It depends who this floozy is, if she's a friend, you need a show down and a serious cull of your friendship circle. If she's some stranger or works with him or something vague like that, make him change his job. If he has no interest in her and he really loves you, he'll jump ship and get a new job to keep you happy. If she's just a general acquaintance, pull her aside (by her hair), and tell her to back the hell off if she doesn't want to vomit slugs for the next month. I don't condole violence, we are a family paper, but you have to stamp your authority down. Think of her as a puppy, if she keeps wanting to nibble on your man's fingers, you have to swat her on the nose repeatedly until she gets the message.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
My boyfriend is obsessed with Quidditch. He has posters of teams and players and spends all his spare money on going to matches instead of spending it on me! What should I do?
- Overlooked, Monmouth ________________________________ Dear Overlooked,
Aside from parading about naked when he's supposed to leave for a match, my only suggestion is for you to fake an interest and go with him. Try and learn to enjoy the sport, show an interest in what he loves and he'll soon reward you for it by giving you more attention and gifts. If you think Quidditch is boring, you've got another thing coming, have you seen some of the hot hunks of good lookin' up on those brooms!? I'm telling you, I've been lucky enough to interview a lot of them, and they are delicious! Go and enjoy that with your boyfriend, you won't regret it.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Apr 3, 2018 12:51:03 GMT
Monday 2nd April 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
I was recently bitten by a werewolf and now every month I'm wolfing out. I hate it, I hate my existence. I was fired from my job because of my infliction. It was out of my control. I don't expect you'll be able to help but I needed to talk to someone. My family just don't get it and most have turned their backs on me.
- Newly Hairy, Kinross ________________________________ Dear Newly Hairy,
Don't tell anyone this, but I don't know that much about werewolves. Do they have some sort of werewolf support groups out there? I'm not sure, but you should look into it. Maybe pop into the MoM and see if they have any leaflets about this kind of thing in the Werewolf Registration office. I'm sure there must be people out there who can help. And if the Magical world is proving completely incompetent in supporting people like you, you're not alone. Think of all of the other people in your exact position right now. Who knows, maybe you'll wake up naked in a forest one day and look over to find someone else naked next to you, and boom... wolfy best friends! You never know! Stick it out (like you have a choice), and it'll get easier. And if you want a job that doesn't require you to be in an actual workplace, become a writer. Right now I'm sitting at home with my feet up, writing this with a glass of wine in my other hand. There are jobs out there that can work around your monthly issues. Trust me, I have monthly issues of my own, I get it.
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
I'm pretty sure I have a stalker and I don't know what to do. I go to work, I come home and that's all. I've found my home open a few times, a window here and there that I know I shut. Things have been missing like sentimental jewellery and items of clothing and I mean favourite clothes, things I could never misplace. The MLE department seem to think it's all in my head and I've got no family or friends I can turn to. Please help me. What can I do? Where can I go?
- Scared, Nottinghamshire ________________________________ Dear Scared,
Is it possible for you to move house? That would be the obvious suggestion. Get the hell out of there, if you have no family or friends close enough to turn to, then you don't need to tell anyone where you're moving to, and hopefully this stalker won't be able to find you again. If moving isn't an option, there are people out there who specialise in defensive and protective spells. Hire someone to ward your house. And I don't just mean little door locking spells, I mean blow someone's arm off if they try to open your front gate kind of wards. I'll write to you privately with a list of recommended wizards that might be able to help. Get tough, not scared.
- Tersha. |
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Post by Tersha Alara Knight on Apr 10, 2018 9:29:23 GMT
Monday 9th April 1979
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Tersha Tells It Dear Tersha,
Get your fine arse to my place and let's get naughty ifyaknowwhatImsayin.
- Gudlookin', Lancashire ________________________________ Dear Gudlookin',
Send me a picture and if I like what I see I might overlook your horrendous grammar and spelling. Unless you're all talk...
- Tersha. ___________ Dear Tersha,
My wife reckons I'm cheating on her but I'm not, I swear. I have regular appointments to a hair specialist but I know if she found out that I'm as bald as a baby's backside she'd up and leave me. My hair is what she fell in love with. How can I convince her I'm not cheating!?
- Wiggy, Middlesex ________________________________ Dear Wiggy,
She's your wife, if she's as invested in your hair as you clearly are, then she'd be nothing but supportive of you doing whatever it takes to hold on to it. You should tell her the truth, lying to cover it up is about to ruin your marriage, so what have you got to lose? If she doesn't want a balding husband, you're going to lose her anyway, so come clean and hope for the third and more likely option that she'll stand by you. It's the only way to get out of having her think you're cheating on her, trust me, women are stubborn, she's convinced right now and nothing but your shiny gleaming head will convince her otherwise. Polish it up and fight for your wife.
- Tersha. |
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