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26 June 1975

Merlin, it feels like she's since I've written. So much has happened in such a short time, I'm not quite sure where to begin. I suppose it would have to be with that terrible attack. I don't remember much of it. I was shopping in Hogsmeade on our last weekend in the village before school ended. I wanted to get a new quill and some color-changing ink. I don't remember how it happened but suddenly the whole shop was on fire. I heard someone use the Curciatus Curse on the shopkeep, but I didn't see who. Something hit me in the head but I can't recall anything after that. Daddy and mummy didn't come to visit me in hospital. Theon wrote, so did some of my friends. I woke up to a table full of letters.

A fortnight in a coma and my leg broken in three places. Lovely. I haven't tried covering the scars yet. I want to start with something simple since I'm still getting used to my new wand. Oh, my wand. I had lost it the fire. The headmaster let me go to Diagon Alley when I returned to school to purchase another wand. While I was there I also purchased a book on Dark Magic for myself, simply for research, of course. I read all about the Cruciatus Curse, along with a few other notable curses. I don't want to find myself in the same spot again and I'm not above Crucioing someone to get out of danger. If daddy had bothered to come home, he could have taught me himself. I still haven't seen him.

5 March 1975

I know the world is a dangerous place, that’s the whole reason we have Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons. I work hard on learning all of the spells I can because it’s scary out there and I want to be a ready as possible. I’m in the dueling club and I can hold my own but that’s just against other students my age. What if someone more experienced with a wand tries to come after me? I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to defend myself properly. Sometimes I think it might be easier to let whatever is going to happen, happen. It’s scary but it would make things easier. I could see Gwendoline again and that would be a good thing, but then my brother would be let alone with mummy and daddy. I don’t want that for him. And then there’s Rabastan. We’re dating now, officially. I’ve even called him my boyfriend to his face and he didn’t correct me or look embarrassed by me. I wouldn’t want to leave him behind.

If I told daddy my concerns he would tell me I was being dramatic, but it’s not dramatic when it’s something that’s really happening. There was an article today in the Daily Prophet about a serial killer on the loose and one of the people he killed was found on the same street as that nightclub D and I went to last month. I know it wasn’t the same time as when we were there but what if it had been? What if we were attacked when we were leaving the club? Would I be able to survive? I need to be better about attending Dueling Club meeting, if for nothing else than I need to be around to protect my friends and my brother.

1 November 1974

The Halloween feast was last night. The food was delicious and I snuck loads of sweets in my bag to save for later. After dinner the professors magicked the tables away and made a sort of dancefloor in the middle of the Great Hall. They played music and everything. It should have been fun. Everyone else seemed to be having fun at least. D was dancing with her weird Hufflepuff friend and Fin was hitting on some sleaze. A sleaze that got asked to dance at least, which was more than me. I only stayed for about an hour before I left, I didn't much see the point in hanging about and feeling more useless than I normally do.

I wasn't the only one avoiding the party in the Great Hall. Walden Macnair was already in the common room, half way through a bottle of gin. He's not the cutest boy in Slytherin but he asked if I had a good time at the party and offered to share his drink with me, so why not? I'm not good for much else, I might as well make other people happy for an hour, right?

11 June 1974

I understand why they hate me so much, mummy and daddy. I'm always getting in the way and ruining their plans. I ruin everything I'm a part of. Sometimes I think I know they'd be happier if I wasn't around. Would they bother having a funeral if I stepped off the Astronomy Tower ledge while I was at school? Maybe I should sneak off into the Forbidden Forest during a full moon and let the werewolves take care of me. That would make daddy happy. That would be the first time I've ever made him happy.

But I can't do that yet. I know they hate me and I understand why they hate me but it hurts so much to see them act the same way towards my brother. He's never done anything wrong. He's such a good boy and even when he's being a little shit it's not like daddy is around to witness it. I take care of him now that Gwendoline is gone, so I don't see why daddy has to yell at him all the time. He's just a kid. And then when my brother's been reduced to tears daddy has the nerve to look at me and smile, as if I agree with how mean he is to us.

I just need to wait a few more years, when we've both moved out on our own and I know my parents won't be mean to him anymore. After that, then it won't matter what happens to me.

1 January 1974

Last night was the New Years Eve party at the Burke's mansion, the one they wouldn't let me go to because apparently one of the house elves saw me and Sirius in the library and told daddy so all of a sudden I'm not mature enough to be trusted around their friends. Mummy bought a new dress for the party and it was absolutely hideous! I don't know what she was thinking, just looking at it I thought I was going to be sick all over the dining room floor. And of course the cow has to ask me what I thought about it. Gwendoline always said if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. And I hardly ever follow that advice so I told mummy it wasn't a good look and now I'm stuck in my room until I go back to Hogwarts.

Merlin forbid I have a bloody sense of fashion!

5 August 1973

Apparently I'm always in the way no matter what I do. Daddy had some men over from work and he told me not to bother them, so I went out into the garden to read but it was getting hot and so I came back inside. I tried to be quiet and just pop up into my bedroom. How was I supposed to know one of them brought their stupid little dog with them? The thing started barking like mad at me, it bit me and ruined my dress. Of course it was my fault daddy's friend brought the little beast! It was my fault it bit me, too! I don't see why I got in trouble because one of his friends can't be bothered to train his bloody pet. And daddy yelled at me in front of everyone at his meeting. Him yelling was the most he's said to me all summer and I didn't even do anything wrong! I can't wait to go back to Hogwarts. Summer can't end soon enough.

31 March 1972

Still no word from daddy, I think he's forgotten my birthday again. I guess that's probably for the best. Last year he told me I was born on 1st of April (April Fool's Day) because I was a joke of a daughter, so not remembering is probably better anyway. I'm not expecting a present from him or from mummy. That's okay though, D gave me a lovely jewelry box after I pestered her about getting me something from Hogsmeade. I should have been able to go this year but mummy and daddy "forgot" to sign the permission slip. Gwendoline tried to sign it for me but she's not my guardian so Professor Dumbledore said it didn't count.

But my birthday hasn't been all bad. In fact, Xander gave me the best birthday present yet. He's not the most attractive bloke but he said I was pretty and he shared his firewhiskey with me. It all sort of happened very fast, but it also seemed to last forever. Will it always be like that? It hurt a little but Xander said it won't always hurt and the second time around was much more pleasant than the first. I felt so special. Like I was wanted for the first time in my life. I want to feel that way again.