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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2018 0:55:45 GMT
| | Something was wrong. Remus woke in a lot of pain- a familiar ache that he hadn't felt in a few months, not since his friends pulled their ridiculous, but amazing stunt of becoming animagi. Something else became apparent when he cracked his eyes open: he wasn't in the shack. His eyes closed again, trying desperately to remember anything that happened the night before. He didn't remember the boys showing up before he turned, either in human or animal form. That wasn't terribly uncommon, they could have easily come after he transformed, running late for whatever reason. There was still Filch they needed to get past, and as they got older, they had to moving a lot more slowly and coordinated under that cloak. They were tall and gangly now, men in their minds but in size, too, and no longer the small little things that could slip by so easily. He didn't remember waking up in the shack, either, which he usually did in time to say goodbye to the boys before Madam Pomphrey came for him. He cracked one eye open, the light harsher than normal. He was definitely in the Hospital Wing, so at least things weren't too terribly out of place. From what he could piece together, it seemed pretty evident that it was a really bad night. He hurt, he'd slept through being brought here, and he could still feel the werewolf at the edge of his mind- hungry, angry... so, so angry. The leftover rage sat in his stomach like a block of ice. The nurse must have realized he was waking up. Before he was entirely ready to accept it himself, she was next to his bed in the infirmary, talking to him and eventually easing him into a seated position before handing him a cocktail of potions. "Quite a rough night it must have been, dear.' He was bandaged in a couple of places, which meant he'd really tore himself up. The leftover rage corroborated the story, and he was becoming more and more convinced that his friends had not been present. He started to ask her if they were okay, if she'd seen them at all, because he was used to them coming to him in the hospital wing too, but his voice didn't quite want to work. None of this was unfamiliar to him, but he certainly hadn't missed it. Waking up calmer and with a bit more energy, less shredded... feeling like he belonged... he liked all of that and he couldn't quite figure out why it was ripped away from him. When he finally got his voice to work, he asked if she seen them yet and was met with a 'not yet, but I'm sure they're on their way.' Remus' frown deepened and the anger was joined with worry. What if he'd hurt them somehow? He would never forgive himself if that was the case. But he'd warned them, hadn't he? He'd told them since second year that it was a terrible idea to want to help him in any way, and if he hurt them, it was all his fault. He'd rather have hurt himself a thousand times over. Could it explain the anger, too? The wolf was grieving lost friends? He was jumping ahead of himself. There had to have been a perfectly logical explanation for everything. Besides, wasn't it unfair to expect them every month? They probably just forgot, or needed the rest, or any number of other reasons to have not been there. He wouldn't blame them no matter what the reason was, so long as he knew they were okay. He was stuck for a few minutes, though, waiting for the potions to take effect and make him feel even remotely human again. Only then would he even be able to think about going back to the Gryffindor tower to see for himself that the boys were okay. Tag: @phouxee and James Henry Potter Words: 665 Notes: Let me know if I need to change anything | |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2018 10:27:49 GMT
somehow through the storm I couldn't get to you Sirius kept to himself. He didn’t sleep in their dormitory. He didn’t go to the great hall for breakfast. He hadn’t talked to any of the Marauders since James came to the dormitory late last night and told him that Remus and Snape were okay. He left because he had no right to be there anymore. He had warranted that right. He wasn’t worthy. He didn’t deserve to have Peter look at him with worry in his eyes. He didn’t deserve to have James lash out at him and give him any kind of release for the anger he felt at himself. He especially didn’t deserve their company. He furthermore didn’t deserve to rest or enjoy the comfort of the sanctity of their dormitory, the place that he came to see as more of a home as his family’s home. He just wasn’t worthy.
Having waited for James in their dormitory had been stressful, painful and all around torturous. Peter had fallen asleep at some point and that left Sirius to twist and turn in his bed until he gave up on lying down and started pacing the room. That only made it worse but he didn’t know what else to do. What could he have done as his mind was berating himself for already having done enough? He wanted to just crawl in a hole somewhere and never be found again but he needed to know that Remus was okay. Sirius needed to know that Snape was okay, only for Remus’ sake, but still.
Once more he proved to himself and to everyone around him that he was, in fact, a Black, and that no matter how hard he pretended, how much he acted against his upbringing, he was their blood, their offspring, their son and heir of their legacy. He was no good and now his friends, the people that he cared for more than for anyone else finally had the evidence necessary to banish him away.
When James walked in after midnight Sirius didn’t even dare look him in the eye, only asked one simple question that conveyed so much uncertainty in himself and in his actions that he couldn’t control the shiver that washed trough him. “Are they okay?”
The reply was short and it was all Sirius needed to make up his mind. “Yes.” No other words were exchanged between the two Gryffindor that night. If James had wished to shout and yell and scream and wake up the entire Gryffindor Tower Sirius didn’t give him that opportunity. Sirius stood there in the middle of their dormitory and as James passed him to go to his own bed he stooped momentarily in front of Sirius. Without saying a word he shoved Sirius with all his strength. When Sirius fell to the ground James just looked at him, eyes screeching disappointment. Without a will to fight but admit his defeat, he judged his punishment and enforced it on himself, picking himself up and leaving the dormitory with tears in his eyes. He deserved this and so much more.
The rest of the night he wondered. Wondered the castle until he had no other place to go and Filch almost caught him on the third floor corridor. Wondered the grounds and as his body began to long for a bed to relax, while his mind was running in circles, he knew he couldn’t return to the Tower. Not because of Filch, not even because of James. He wouldn’t return to the tower because that would mean comfort and he forfeited his right to comfort. He wouldn’t tuck himself in his bed because that would mean warmth and he didn’t deserve it. Sirius had betrayed one of his best friends in the most despicable way possible, using the one thing that would hurt Remus the most against him, putting him and Snape in danger only because he couldn’t keep his big mouth shut or control his fucking temper.
Yes, he had been angry ever since he ran away, ever since he came back to school, ever since he saw Regulus again, ever since his brother avoided him. He had all the reasons to be angry, to want to scream and shout and hex whoever and whatever came at him. But he had not reason, no right to have done this to Remus. Not even to Snape as it could have backfired on Remus in the most horrible way. Sirius had known all of this and yet he still did it, consciously did it. He wanted Snape to learn his lesson, he wanted Snape to be harmed. He wanted the werewolf to do his bidding, to hurt someone that he believed to deserve it. The werewolf would have done it and then some, because the werewolf was a beast. It was difficult for Sirius at times to separate the werewolf from Remus so, in his head they were two distinct entities. Remus didn’t howl at the moon, didn’t lash out in anger and nor did he pray on smaller animals or attack people. The werewolf didn’t bite his quill when concentrated, didn’t fold his socks and nor did he comfort his nightmare filled dreams. It had been easier to think like that when seeing Remus transform. Because Remus wouldn’t hurt a fly and the werewolf would most likely kill Sirius if given the chance.
He was entirely a Black, down to his rotten core. Finally he managed to do something that would make his entire family unbelievably proud of him. If at sixteen he was capable of something like this, what would he be capable of later on? Disgust overtook him as he reached the forest, disgust at himself mixed with self-hatred and anger, an anger that forced out the worst of him, that showed his true colors and it was just one. Black. As his stomach turned in on itself, he heaved leaning on a tree and started to sob. He was everything that he hated, that he had fought against becoming, but deep down it couldn’t be covered. James hated him, Peter as well. They wouldn’t want anything to do with him now that the cover, the pretence, the well constructed lie that even he had began to believe, was out. Remus … Remus was better than any of them and he … he had spat in his face and tried to make James believe it had been a prank. A practical joke. Putting Rem’ life in danger had been a practical joke, he believed that and tried to make James believe that. A possible murder was a practical joke to him.
Another turn of his stomach and he heaved some more, surprising as he had skipped dinner but the feeling of disgust and anger and fear took hold of him. Falling to his knees he wept as he fought to accept that he had actually done this. This seemed like something Bellatrix would have done. Not him. But still, he had been the one to blurt it out. Snape had only done what he always did. Trying to make him do something, hex him or lash out or provoke him in whatever way possible in order to be able to get Sirius a detention or an expulsion. Snape had only been Snape, but he … he had truly been his father’s son. Sirius had been the heir of the Blacks in the worst way and most selfish way possible; using Remus’ suffering for his own purpose, putting Remus in that position, than bragging to James about it like it had been a victorious prank.
Without being very aware of what was going on, he only knew that he didn’t want to feel anymore, the hate for himself, the sickness in his stomach, the feeling of remorse and the realization that he had single handedly destroyed the one good thing that he had, the one good thing that made an impact against his upbringing, against his darker tendencies, against his family’s ways. Sirius turned into Padfoot and laid down at the root of another tree, curling up in a ball on top of the snow that was covering up the ground in patches having made its way through the leafless branches. He deserve to be alone, forgotten, deserved to be expelled but the Headmaster considered not to, Sirius deserved to be sent to prison but they considered it to be too harsh of a punishment for a sixteen year old. He did get detentions to last him till before the O.W.L.’s but he felt he deserved so much more.
Which is why he didn’t sleep in the dormitory, or in the castle; why he would stay away from his friends; why he would isolate himself from the people he cared for. He fell asleep shivering against the winter weather, waking up with snow for a blanket covering his black fur. After he shrugged the snow off, he turned back into his despicable self and without casting a warming charm he walked towards the castle shivering.
Sirius was walking but he had no idea where he was going, just walking for the sake of it. He didn’t feel like eating no matter how much his empty stomach was in need of food, the chatter that came from the Great Hall had made him stray away from it. He needed warmth but he felt like the cold he felt inside had nothing to do with the fact that he slept in the snow. Walking with no particular aim his mind drifted to Remus, kind hearted, good natured, soft spoken and comfort giving Remus. He wanted to know somehow if he was alright, wanted to make sure he received the necessary comfort that usually came after the full moon from himself, wanted to check if the person that was most undeserving of pain, having had pain inflicted on him by Sirius, was going to be okay. It wasn’t much of a surprise to find himself in front of the Hospital Wing as his thoughts guided him unconsciously to the place where he knew Remus to be at that time.
Sirius didn’t go in. He couldn’t, not emotionally. He felt undeserving of their attention, comfort or even presence. He did this and he was going to suffer the consequences, even if that meant stepping aside and leaving all of them alone. He’ll figure it out. He had no choice but to. It was what happened when one did not think things through before acting. There was the Room of Requirements, he could sleep there, or plenty empty unused classrooms to shack up in. Just technicalities. That’s what he told himself over and over again as he forced his brain to accept his own punishment. He would leave them alone, stay away, never bother any of them after this as he didn’t deserve any of their friendships. Only he had to know Remus was okay. After that he’d disappear from their lives, stay in the back of each class, keep away during meals and just give them the benefit of not having a Black for a friend, a so-called friend because a real friend wouldn’t have done what he did.
So he waited. For Madam Pomfrey to peak her head out. For James to walk in or out. For Remus … he dreaded seeing Remus but he needed to know if he was alright. It wasn’t about forgiveness, it was about caring. Once the anger had died down, he wondered about his actions and sought out James. Once he found James he told the whole story like a funny prank. Once James shoved him out of the way screaming and running out the portrait door, his brain found reason. Once James was back, his heart drowned in hatred. Remus shouldn’t forgive him. The pressure in his chest grew as he understood what it all meant, what it would be like to not have them anymore, what it would be like for Remus to hate him. The pressure turned to a pain he’d only felt once before in his life, but recalling what caused it the first time he took a deep breath telling himself that he had no right, not anymore. He would be just another face in the halls for them and never bother them again. He wondered if Dumbledore would allow him to be transferred to Slytherin because that was where he belonged. Where he really ought to be.
 OCC: I went ahead and posted, let me know if anything needs altering guys ... sry for the novel post ... had to work through his emotions |
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2018 22:08:07 GMT
| | The hospital wing was too quiet for Remus. He was waiting for something, anything to happen. Surely the boys would burst into the wing any minute, or Madam Pomphrey would come over and give him something. His body ached sharply, and the moment he saw her, he planned to ask for something to help with that anyway. But she was busy somewhere out of his sight, and every moment that passed scared him more and more. He could feel it deep in his bones that something bad happened the night before, and every breath he took convinced him that it was something worse and worse. The absence of the boys was doing terrible things to an overactive imagination, and by the time the school nurse rounded the corner to check on him, Remus was nearly in a panicked state, sure that he'd hurt one of them. Or worse.Madam Pomphrey smiled warmly at him, though there was some sadness in her presence, too. Whatever he'd done, she knew. She knew, and she was acting like nothing had happened. "It's good to see your finally awake, dear. Quite a rough one last night.""Where are they?" he practically demanded, his voice shaking with fear of what the answer would be. Dead, torn to shreds across the forbidden forest. Maybe even missing. "How much blood was there?" Was it all mine? That was the unspoken question that he hoped she would understand without him needing to say it. For a long moment, the woman was quiet, regarding Remus. He thought she was trying to decide how to lie to him, what to tell him that would keep him calm enough until the Headmaster and the Ministry came for him, and whatever horrible truth about what he'd done would finally be told to him. "Madam Pomphrey?""They're fine, Remus. They're all fine. I promise." So she did know the questions he couldn't bring himself to ask, though he didn't entirely trust her answer. If they were fine, why weren't they with Remus? It was entirely possible they'd been caught, or that he slept too late and they'd had to run to class, but he still had that knot in his stomach that told him, without a doubt, that something was not right. "How are you feeling?" That question was more pointed, more strict, leaving no room for Remus to say anything other than the answer to that question. He sighed deeply, but even that seemed to rattle his lungs and hurt. He admitted that he wasn't feeling great, that it hurt his chest to breathe and could feel some of the self-inflected wounds. The nurse reminded him that she could and would fix all of that, and repeated the question, asking him again how he was doing. It was her turn to ask questions that she didn't quite voice, and he calmed enough to answer that, too. "I'm so angry, and I don't know why. Please, Madam Pomphrey. Where are they?"The woman nodded slowly and turned to leave, warning Remus to stay put for a moment. He was tucked away in the back of the wing, given privacy, and couldn't see the woman open the giant oak door, coming face to face with Sirius Black. "Well, come on. He's asking for you. He doesn't remember anything."Tag: @phouxee and James Henry Potter Words: 562 Notes: Sorry... just really into this thread and hoped this would give it a jump start. | |
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Post by Deleted on May 24, 2018 19:46:51 GMT
somehow through the storm I couldn't get to you The door opened and he probably looked like a deer in the headlights as he raised his head. Madam Pomfrey smiled at him and he felt a knot form in the back of his neck. How could she be smiling? Through gritted teeth he wanted to say “no”, to come up with any excuse not to go it, prayed for James to come by and shove him away from the door, but none of that happened and he felt his feet carrying him across the threshold of the Hospital Wing.
Inside there was only silence. It was supposed to be silence with it being a place for the recovering and wounded, but it was eerie silent like someone had died, but he at least knew that not to be truth. Would he be the one telling Remus?! His mind stopped working as he couldn’t imagine exactly how he could do that. Separating himself from them was his punishment, he chose that, he’d be the one to suffer and they’d be left to their own devices, future pain inflicted by him impossible. But this. This was like the universe was punishing him.
The idea of not telling him did not even form in his head as it was the only thing he could think about and facing Remus would make it obvious that he did something bad, something unforgivable. Sirius may be decent at keeping things to himself, but not something like this.
The nurse walked ahead of him towards Remus’ at the back of the wing where a cot was permanently reserved for him, tucked behind a curtain away from prying eyes. While walking, Sirius wasn’t particularly in control of the movement as in his mind he fought for reasons to stop, to turn around, to never have to face Remus again. Too soon however they reached the white curtains and she gestured for him to walk into the enclosure.
One deep breath to ease his nerves, Sirius walked inside and as his eyes noticed the bandages, the cuts, the pale skin, the worried expression and tired eyes, he felt his own starting to water and could only look away from him. This was too much. He couldn’t do this. He wanted to run, turn away, jump off a cliff, anything other than be there.
”Hey …” he had to force the words out as his eyes could not bear meet Remus’. Logic told him that Remus probably didn't remember anything, logic however could not save him from this. Could he find anything close by to drink and never wake up?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2018 12:40:55 GMT
 The Prank
Could he have been a bit more pissed off? Well, he had been last night. Last night he had been livid, shouting in his best mates face and shoving him out of the way so that he wouldn't punch the guy. He really didn't like the thought of fighting with Sirius, there was arguing, and then there was knocking your mate out in fury. It was a line James didn't want to cross with Sirius, or any of his close friends. It wasn't him. Sure, he'd deck a stranger if he was being a dick, or get into a duel with anyone he didn't count as a good friend, but friendships like what he had with Sirius, and Remus, and Peter, you didn't fuck things like that up. Apparently Sirius did, but that was a different matter altogether. What he had tried to do last night was beyond wrong, and the consequences for Remus would have been horrific. James had been out of his mind with anger and disappointment, but this morning it had simmered to a very strong kind of pissed off.
His footsteps were heavy as he practically stomped his way through the castle towards the hospital wing. He didn't know if Sirius would have the balls to show up there today, or if he'd stay away and nurse his bruised ego in some remote corner of the castle for a few days. It didn't matter. James would be checking on Remus as he always did, and whoever else was there would just have to deal with sharing the space with him. Remus was oblivious to what had gone on last night anyway, he deserved to know the truth, but he deserved to hear it from Sirius, not from James, bragging about how he'd saved the day. A few years ago James would have done just that, used it as an opportunity to brag about how he'd stepped in and played the hero, but he'd matured a bit in recent times, and it had begun to show in some surprising ways of late. He would not be bragging this morning, he would be a good friend to Remus, and he would wait until Sirius plucked up the courage to confess.
The hospital wing door was just closing after someone who had entered, and James broke into a quick sprint to reach it before it shut tight and he jammed his toe in the doorway, hearing Madam Pomfrey's voice as she went about her work. James pulled the heavy door open and poked his head inside just in time to see the back of Sirius's hair disappearing behind a curtain. So not only had he decided to not be a coward, but he'd got there early to do the deed. Unless he was going to pretend everything was alright. James would soon put a stopper in that. His shoes were silent as he made his way across the spotless floor of the hospital wing and paused outside the curtain, listening to the voices coming from inside. Sirius gave a one worded greeting and then fell into silence. James waited. He would give Sirius a moment to tell Remus how shit he'd been before he barged in and caused a scene, though he could feel the anger bubbling in him as he stood there, ear tilted towards the curtain.
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tag: @junebug and @phouxee
notes: Finally made it! Thank you for being so patient with me, guys. XD <3
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 0:36:15 GMT
| | The time between Madam Pomphrey leaving and returning to allow Sirius into his space stretched on in an excruciating timeline. All he could hear was the rushing in his ears and the pounding of his heart. Every second that passed was on more confirmation that he'd done something terrible. Dumbledore wasn't present, so he didn't think he'd killed anyone. This should have brought him more relief, but only allowed his mind to run through every other possible scenario. The most likely of which was that he'd injured Sirius, Peter, or James. It was the only logical explanation, because if it was any other student, there would be angry parents demanding he be turned into the Ministry and expelled... maybe even put down. Even if he'd hurt one of the boys, though, he had to assume his own parents had been called and were on their way in. Why else would there be such complete silence, no one telling him anything? He felt his chest tightening, his breath coming in more restricted pulls. He'd experienced panic attacks on rare occasions, but this certainly felt like it was turning into one. "Sirius," he breathed, the lack of a Padfoot or a Pads out of character, showing just how nervous Remus was. Despite his body protesting, he pulled himself up, on foot on the floor, resting his weight on the knee that remained on the bed to give himself leverage, and he pulled the boy close, wrapping his arms tightly around Sirius' torso and clinging to him with what little strength he could muster. "Never been so relieved to see you," he whispered. Something tugged at him, telling him that something even closer to him now was wrong, but he brushed it off, assuming it was part of the bigger picture. Sirius at least narrowed it down, Remus knew that he hadn't hurt him. Still not letting go of him, he mumbled into Sirius' shoulder, "Where are James and Peter? What did I do? Pomphrey won't tell me anything and I can feel it." He squeezed Sirius tighter, scared to keep talking, scare to hear the answer. "Please tell me I didn't..." He trailed off, unable to say more. He couldn't voice the likely scenarios, that he killed someone or bit them, and honestly, he wasn't entirely sure which was worse. Finally, he let the raven-haired by go, sinking back to sit on the bed, though his eyes never left Sirius'. The look communicated enough, even if he'd had the voice to say more. It was a bad night, and they both knew it, but Sirius knew more. Remus hated that- he hated that the wolf took everything away from him. His memories, more than small snippets, but mostly he just remembered the emotions. It took away his peace, his freedom. It took away his humanity. He'd managed a decade without any major problems, until the previous night. At the end of the day, wolf or not, Remus was a kid, and the fear that he'd finally lost control of his very careful control was suffocating him. "Please just tell me. I can't breathe."Tag: @phouxee and James Henry Potter Words: 533 Notes: <3 | |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2018 18:12:52 GMT
somehow through the storm I couldn't get to you Remus clinging to him, tugging at his shirt, hugging him. It started out suddenly and he had thought it impossible to feel even worse. He had been wrong. Remus didn’t even know exactly what had happened and he was as worried and scared, leaning on Sirius for support, trusting him. It wasn’t the first time that feelings and emotions lingered on even after the transformation back into his human form, but never before had it been fear. As soon as Remus pulled Sirius to him, his instinct told him to step away but it was as if he was rooted to the ground and couldn’t move. In Remus’ sheer desperation, Sirius felt compelled to try and comfort him, knowing how incredibly wrong it was.
Without really embracing his battered friend, he just squeezed him by the shoulders lightly and tried to sooth him. Remus needed comfort and although he was entirely to blame for the current situation, there was no one else there to do it. He swallowed hard against his pain and emotions for the time being and focused on Remus. ”I’ll tell you, just breath and try to relax, oky? No one got hurt so please just calm down!” he said as he eased Remus back onto the bed. There was a chair a few feet away from the bed but he ignored it, crouching by the bed instead. While the position may indicate a plea at forgiveness he had no right to ask, beg or grovel for anything anymore.
”James and Peter are probably still asleep. It’s 6 am Rem. I’m sure they’ll come to see you as soon as they wake up.” still he didn’t look at him. The blanket that he moved to cover Remus’ frame had grabbed his attention and he jumped at any excuse not to look at him. Sirius was thankful that Remus gave him excuse after excuse not to look at him, hugging him, burying his face in his shoulder, and tried to avoid meeting those dark amber eyes as best as he could.
”Something did happen last night, but it’s important that you understand that it wasn’t in any way your fault.” he felt the tears start to sting his eyes and he bit his upper lip trying to force them not to fall. Once certain that he could control his emotions - that having been the reason they were in this mess to begin with, him and his stupid short temper – he swallowed hard and dared to look up at him after he checked to make sure Madam Pomfrey was gone and that they had privacy. It actually hurt, it physically hurt him to see the terrified expression on Remus’ face, knowing that it was his fault. Taking one last breath he drowned his pain once more and began his confession.
”It’s my fault.” controlling his emotions had been something that his family tried to imbed in him ever since he’d been four. At one point he started fighting them and letting go of control and any form of censoring. The mask was on again, any and all emotions banished and he looked up at Remus showing no remorse or pain. He didn’t need pity or any other form of compassion, not from James and Peter and definitely not from Remus. ”I told Snape how to get into the tunnel. James got to him but not before he saw you. He knows.” the words left his mouth as if he was reading ingredients from a Potions text book. There was no emotion behind them. ”I’m not gonna ask that you forgive me. I’m just gonna leave you alone.” and he got up with every intention to leave.
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