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Nov 22, 2024 23:41:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 21:52:26 GMT
THE NIGHT THE BEST OF ME HAD DIED BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME
FOR LOVING AND MISSING MY BROTHER? People tell me: "Pick yourself up off the road"
Can't I just stay and get squashed like a little toad?
They'll say you have a burden to carry
Somewhere along the line there's a girl to marry
But don't worry, I'll get up
I won't give it up even if it won't stop
Hurting in my heart now that we're apart
My chronic pain is about to start, will it be hard?
I'd rather live one day as a lion
Than live a hundred years as a sheep
I'd rather reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven
Live my dream out in reality and not in my sleep Similar to some other nights he chatted briefly with James through their mirrors, said their 'goodnights' and he went to the already occupied bed. Staying in hiding wasn’t something he generally enjoyed but night time was close to perfection as his hiding place wasn't only his. There she laid waiting for him so they could let go of the worries and stress of the war as they did every night, in each other’s arms nothing mattered and every second was life at its finest hour for him. After having made Peter a Secret Keeper, Sirius knew he had to keep up appearances, go into hiding and tell no one and he had done so. She didn’t need to know as it wouldn’t bring her any joy to hear it, nor would it help the final goal, which was to keep James and Lily safe. Knowledge was a two sided blade in a war and it could be the knife that cuts you open and lets you to bleed out if others would come asking questions. This was better, she had plenty of things to worry about as planning a wedding during this day and age was anything but easy. Just thinking of protective enchantments would boggle his mind, but not hears as she had abilities in some areas that would even turn Sirius shy.
They fell asleep after midnight and all was silent as the two slept untroubled it seemed. The clock ticked away in the corner and Sirius opened his eyes wide without moving. He woke up suddenly as his heart was threatening to lash out of his chest. Waking up with night terrors wasn't new to him, but it haden't happened in a while. While in a war and with loved ones in peril, the reasons for his nightmares were far behind him. Looking to her side of the bed, she was still asleep. At least he hadn't woken her up. While trying to ease his heart beating, he paid attention to his breathing taking deep, long breaths to relax. Laying still for a little over 15 minutes and nothing changed. Sirius rose from the bed, careful not to startle her and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water, drinking it whole in one gulp. The sensation still hadn’t changed. His mind was untroubled and he could find no reason for this anxiety attack. Sirius tried to shake it off but couldn’t.
The mirror was in the bedroom and after retreating it, instinctively, he called out to James.
Almost a minute passed during which Sirius tried to relax his body and no answer. "They’re probably asleep." he said to himself but the feeling wouldn’t go away. Defeated, he put some clothes on and took his bike for a ride, but not before leaving a note on the nightstand: "Can't sleep, off for a ride, be back shortly. Love Snuffles!" The wind calmed him down and once he was off the ground the troubles seemed to leave him altogether. Fully awake as he was, he decided to pay Peter a visit. Rattle the little twat a bit. Why should he be the only one awake at that hour? As he approached the street, Sirius lowered the motorcycle and turned the corner for Peter’s apartment block. The bike was parked on the side walk and he took the stairs by two’s to the third floor and banged his fist against the door.
To his surprise the door was ajar and flew open against his fist. A part of him was amused by this but then it unsettled him. Looking around he saw nothing out of place. ”Peter!?” Sirius took one step forward and lit his wand. Everything was in place, nothing tossed around, not even the napkins from the kitchen table. It was peculiar to say the least. Peter was intended to not leave the flat. Peter was supposed to stay put. Sirius would send his packages, food and all the necessities, making things disappear from his own hiding place in order to feed and make sure that Peter had anything he could possibly need, just so that he wouldn’t leave the flat. And he wasn’t here.
At this point Sirius started to worry. Not so much for Peter, but for James and Lily, and Harry. Walking in, he took notice of all the things he could find, notes, letters, anything. His last package was left unopened and that bothered him even more. Sirius went to the bedroom and it seemed like no one lived or had slept there in at least a couple of days. ”FUCK!!!!” he turned around, ran downstairs, took his bike and was off towards James, disapparating in the middle of the London sky line and apparating just above the main street in Godric’s Hallow. With a loud thud the bike hit the pavement and turned the corner. Sirius lost control of the bike in front of the house which was still fuming. |
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Nov 22, 2024 23:41:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 22:17:13 GMT
THE NIGHT THE BEST OF ME HAD DIED BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME
FOR LOVING AND MISSING MY BROTHER? Sometimes it will feel time can stop
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But then I hear a voice inside of me
Saying: "Better die with your chin up, than living on your knees"
Daydreaming is OK sometimes
But to face the facts really hurts
And when you finally feel the weight of your burden
Get up again if you kiss the dirt
I'd rather live one day as a lion
Than live a hundred years as a sheep
I'd rather reign in Hell than serve in Heaven
Live my dream out in reality and not in my sleep Panting, Sirius scraped his knee as the motorcycle lost its balance at the strong curve, and once back on his feet he could feel his legs threatening to give in. The house was darkened and he could see part of the upstairs bedroom as the ceiling seemed to have been blasted off. For seconds which seemed like hours he couldn’t move, couldn’t breath, eyes lost in the debris of his best friend’s hiding place. Everything was silent aside from a faint cry that he couldn’t hear just yet. A baby’s cry. Sirius couldn’t understand, he couldn’t bring his mind around it. It seemed like a nightmare that he was sure he’d wake up from at any moment, a boggart having invaded his mind and bringing his worst fears into the light, making him believe it was real, playing with him.
Taking one step forward his legs still untrustworthy, but he had to move, he was to do something. If it was a dream he had to wake up, he had to jolt himself out of it. Numbness took hold of him as he couldn’t believe what lay before him, seemingly happening to someone else, but his heart seemed to stop and rage war against his chest at the same time. One leg in front of the other, advancing more confidently with every step, motorcycle forgotten in the middle of the street, Sirius made it inside the courtyard. With each step his thought process seemed to catch up and his lungs started working again. As he pushed the door open he could see but shadows all around him as he tried to depend on his memories of the place. The stairs were in front of him, the living room to his right, the kitchen across the hall.
The cry reached his ears and it had been like a light that gave him guidance as darkness surrounded him. Sirius started for the stairs, but as he climbed he saw another shadow. Trying to see what was blocking his way, Sirius tried to move around it, but as he took another step he saw him. James. ”No … ” it barely even came out, slightly louder that a whisper, as his stomach sank. Breathing rapidly, his knees gave up and he fell at the motionless form of his best friend. Staring at the face that lost its grin and laughter, the eyes that lost their shine, Sirius was rooted to the spot. Tears were unable to fall as he felt unable to move. While he realized what had happened his hand moved to the man’s chest, even if he knew there was no reason to. The look on James’s face told him what he needed to know. Still he hoped that it was fake, hoped it was a lie, a prank, anything but the truth. There was no movement to greet him however and his vision became blurred.
Wishing against reason that the young man would jump up doubling over in laughter at his face, Sirius’s hand was still on his chest as tears began to roll down his cheeks to his disregard. He just couldn’t feel them. As he barely saw anything with moisture obscuring his vision he lit his wand thinking only of helping him see. The light settled on James’s still form and then it hit him, really hit him and it came with a bang. His throat was clogged and it became difficult to breath, he stood up leaning against the wall and looked at his best friend as James laid at his feet. One would think he fell and hit his head if it weren’t for his eyes. There was no wand anywhere near the form, no sign of struggle, nothing to suggest a duel. He had been wandless. He faced him wandless. "James ..."
There was another cry that made its way to his eardrums and it brought him to his senses. Taking one last look at James he climbed the stairs moving past him, aching with every step he took like he was physically breaking an invisible bond that shouldn’t have been broken. It ripped and tore him apart but that cry was beckoning him to move. A promise that would mend the tears in his heart and would heal the rip in the bond. A promise that he had to keep even if he couldn’t understand how and why he was hearing a child cry if the father was dead.
Taking one step in the nursery there came the second blow. Not as hard but giving him just as much pain. The red tempered woman that had been his friend’s most ardent passion, the one woman that managed to capture the heart of the only person he had really seen as a true brother, the girl who took on the challenge of putting up with all of them and came out better at the end, and made James become the best version of himself that he could possibly be. Lily Potter was next to her baby’s crib, seemingly still protecting him as she had done since she became a mother. A mother like he had never known, exceeding in devotion and caring all expectations. Her green eyes were wide in shock, as were James’s, as she made a physical boundary, even breathlessly as she was, around the crib.
Justice seemed to have turned blind towards them as their one year old son had been left sobbing in his crib, holding onto a stuffed owl and with a scar on his forehead. Sirius went to him and wasted no second before carefully taking him into his arms, with a blanket around as the chill of the October night was no longer stopped by the ceiling and part of the wall. Cradling Harry in his arms, Sirius tried to sooth his Godson, rocking him slightly as he looked around. As silence befell the partly destroyed house, he tried to understand how it had all been possible. The betrayal was obvious and he’d have to deal with that soon enough, but as he looked at the boy with a lightning shaped scar he couldn’t comprehend how would a baby still be alive in the wake of a house almost completely demolished and both parents dead.
Prophesy or not, an explanation had to be. Power coupled with rage could give out huge burst of magic but could it have been as powerful as to destroy the darkest wizards known to the magical world?! And coming from a baby nonetheless. Harry was whimpering again and Sirius started to move around. He moved past Lily unable to look at her again as the pain became unbearable. Reasoning caught up with him and he knew who was to blame. How could he dare look at her again knowing that he broke his promise to her, knowing that he brought about all of this? It became necessary to leave the room and so he went into their bedroom.
Sirius sat down on their bed and hoped, prayed, wished to whoever was listening or was aware of his thoughts for it all to end, for him to wake up in his bed, turn to the side, kiss his fiancé and know it had all been a dream. It didn’t happen however, he wasn’t waking up. It wasn’t a dream and he couldn’t make it one no matter how much he needed it to be one. In complete silence, as Harry was now asleep, safely tucked in a blanket in his Godfather’s arms, Sirius broke as he grabbed an old mirror from the nightstand. Without sobbing, not even crying, tears ran down his cheeks and he just existed in that moment of numbness, the realization of his life coming to an abrupt halt took over him. What could he live for now that everything he cared for, more than he even cared for himself, was gone? Why bother fighting if life as he knew it was over? While he had reasons, and quite a few, none seemed powerful enough as the pain was unbearable and the thought of living in a world without so much of what he loved was something he couldn’t bring himself to imagine. Harry moved into his arms and his eyes rested on the cruelty of life as the baby opened his eyes and they were green, but his hair was jet black and already sticking up at odd ends. A smile captured his lips for the briefest of seconds as he stood up and started on his way out of the house.
There was a noise outside, and within a second, Harry was in his left hand, while he pocketed the mirror his right hand grabbed his wand and he was engulfed in darkness again. Heavy steps could be heard on the porch and large sobs, but Sirius didn’t move into the light. Ever so careful, he looked down stairs, trying to ignore the shadow that was where he had left it a few stairs lower then were he stood. He couldn’t tell, nor could he see. With no more time to waste, he raised his wand and aimed it at the unknown intruder ready to fight as anger started to bottle up inside him, soon needing to be released.
It was Hagrid. Huge and half giant, he stood at the bottom of the stairs and his shoulders were shaking in distress. ”No’em … why ‘em?” Sirius lowered his wand, brushing the hair off of his face as tears made it cling to his skin only now becoming aware that he had been crying. Looking back at James, his neck constricted again, but this time he fought it back. ”I’m on it mate, I’ll make this right!” he promised with a last goodbye as he averted his eyes for the last time from his best friend.
Hagrid didn’t hear it and Sirius barely heard him talk as he walked down stairs holding onto to Harry ”Mister Dumbledore tol’ me … coun’t belief me ears.” Sirius moved past him and into the cold night air. ”He sent me for him. Wants him. Dumbledore said to bring Harry to him.” Hagrid was moving in front of Sirius now which got his attention.
”What do you mean … ? I’m his Godfather!” his hand tightened around his wand. Hagrid was moving into a dangerous line as he had no intentions to hand over Harry, be it to Hagrid or even Dumbledore himself. ”James wanted … ” his voice gave in. Clearing his throat and through clenched teeth he continued ”… wanted Harry to be with me if … in case something …” how many times had he told James that it wouldn’t happen? How many times had he told him that he’ll never get the chance to be Harry’s guardian … reassured him, promised him … vowed on his life that it wouldn’t be the case. And here he was. A twenty-one year old boy, not ready to be a man yet, not ready to take this kind of responsibility but he had promised and that was a promise that he’d keep, even if it meant going up against a half-giant. Wand aimed at Hagrid again ”James left him with me!” it came as a rough bark like shout while tears were rolling down his face again ”He chose me … Dumbledore himself couldn’t take him from me so don’t get any ideas Hagrid, don’t make me do this ‘cause I don’t want to, but by Merlin’s beard I will!”
While his wand was still inches away from Hagrid’s face, the huge man looked down at him and there was no fear or worry plaguing it. Sirius looked up at him and as he saw the sympathy and comfort in those big eyes, his whole body gave up the fight. He fell to his knees sobbing, shoulders shaking and breath trembling as his pain took hold of him completely. No longer going through the motions and pushing his agony to the side, it engulfed him entirely and when Hagrid carefully took Harry from his arms, he couldn’t even put up a fight, couldn’t bare raising his head. They stood there as Sirius wept, Hagrid was holding Harry and comforting Sirius who caved and felt like falling to the end of the world. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2018 16:42:43 GMT
THE NIGHT THE BEST OF ME HAD DIED BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME
FOR LOVING AND MISSING MY BROTHER? I miss the time with the many smiles
When we could always stretch it for a little while
Now you’re gone and it feels like I’m alone
Oh God damn it how I miss you so It took him several minutes to calm down and while still panting, grief took the bench as anger started to control him. Sirius stood up with tears still lingering in his eyes and could see Harry lightly asleep in Hagrid’s arms. The last focused gaze from him had landed on Harry as he kissed the baby’s forehead careful not to wake him up before tugging one of his arms underneath the blanket. The numbness still held him and he turned towards the bike without another word. Without mounting it, he pulled it up, checked to see if it was okay and pushed it towards Hagrid. ”Take it! I won’t be needing it anymore and I think you could use it. It’s cold and …” his eyes were looking at the bike as his hand cleaned the seat. ”He shouldn’t be out in this temperature for long.”
With one last shake of his head he turned without hearing Hagrid’s protests, he just walked, he needed to walk, for this the bike would hinder him and Apparating would make it impossible because he didn’t know which way to go, where to look. But he could know. As he turned around the corner, he listened carefully for a few seconds, without even bothering to look around, he sniffed deeply and as his head went higher to catch the scent that he was looking for, he turned into a big black dog with hair sticking up at all ends. His back hair was raised on his spine and the scent was stronger. Peter had been here, the miserable toe-rag had had the courage to come, to look, to witness it.
Sprinting with only one thought guiding him and the image of Peter locked in his mind’s eye he minded no passersby, jumped over whatever would obstruct his stride and went off into the early, but still rather dark morning; he came to an abrupt halt not even outside of the Village. The scent had been so strong and now it was gone, completely. Growling in anger and frustration, Sirius stood up once more as a man, jaw set tight, eyes burning and menace written all over his features. Where could have the rat hidden? Into which hole did he stuff himself? And why was his scent … Apparating. The asshole Apparated … but where? Well, the smart thing would have been to act the part, or run, for either he could bet the rag-tail would go to his flat. Without a second movement, the man was gone from the little Village.
Sirius didn’t care for appearances anymore or the statute of secrecy. All he knew was that he had to find him, and find him fast. Daylight was creeping on the streets of London as he materialized in front of the Rat’s apartment block, right besides a muggle woman who looked at him for a few seconds, at the rage in his eyes, determination driven by the anger of a mad man, then started screaming as, without thinking of the implications, he turned back into a dog and ran across the street, causing two cars to hit and a biker to fall off as he served to not hit a crazy dog roaming the streets. He had the scent again and he started running for it. It was early in the morning and muggles were going to work so the streets were well packed. The evening’s news paper would write about the dangers of stray dogs, as he tore through coffee shop terraces and a small muggle market in Camden, jumping over customers as the smell of treason guided him. Fear was also easy to sense and there was plenty of that, which only made the hunt easier.
The smell intensified with every mile he ran and he jumped over the pain in his lungs, kicked back at his tired feet as the ache that tore through his entire body gave him more than enough adrenaline to push through. Just getting missed by a car close to King’s Cross, Sirius still in dog form, lost the scent for a second as the London air was filled with smells of cars riding by, lots of people and plenty of foods, and while trying to find it as he sniffed around Euston Road for a couple of minutes, adrenaline started to die down while fatigue started to settle. A man approached him and tried to grab at him. There weren’t many strays in London which was why he didn’t run around often. Growling at the man, the dog was preparing to pounce when his nose caught the too well known stench of fear that had guided him so far. Turning on its heel, the dog was running again, despite his tired feet or the trouble of every breath. Passing Regent’s Park and turning towards Soho, he thought he was going mad as running around a block didn’t seem right but the smell led him then to Hyde Park. Stopping only for a second to drink some water, he started back up after a few gulps and found himself catching speed as he advanced towards Fulham. The idiot went to Remus?! Were they both in on it?! The scent became clearer and it was easier to track. Sirius knew that the human waste was close without yet seeing him, so he slowly eased his pace as he reached Fulham Road.
Taking it easy, his temperament urged him to keep going but he had only one chance to give the scum what he deserved. Sirius took shelter under every bush or lowered branch, every parked car was his cover as he advanced slowly until he was close enough to see Pettigrew. Shaking all over, his temper became impossible to hold back any longer. The street was packed with muggles and they were obstructing his vision from a canine’s point of view as he made his way towards the man who was still advancing towards Elm Park Gardens. Sirius turned back into himself amidst all those muggles, in order to see him better. Eyes fixed on the form of the follower, the tag-along, the shadow of their youth.
”PETER!!!” the bark came through ringing louder than all the ushering and running around of the muggles and all eyes turned to the dark haired man that stood tall and his extended arm with a … was it a drumstick, aimed at someone in the crowd. There were stains all over his face, dust all over his clothes, rips in his jeans and an expression that terrified most of them.
Taking one steady step after the other, Sirius advanced carefully as to not give him even the slightest chance to escape, eyes never leaving Peter, not even blinking. People around him would take a step back, some kept walking away from the crowd, other stayed and one came to him. ”You okay, mate?” but Sirius paid no mind to the muggle who came closer and kept advancing as his own feet were closing in the gap between him and Peter, who was now facing him.
”Will be in a bit. Don’t move any closer!” he spat at the muggle his eyes never leaving Peter who just looked back at him and he could see, smell, sense the fear pouring out of every cell in the rat’s body. Sirius couldn’t see a wand but he needed but one sign of Peter grabbing for it, one movement in the wrong direction. He couldn’t see one hand as it was tucked behind him. The right hand.
Still more than fifteen yards away from him, eyes darkened as he locked his aim, features making him resemble his family more than ever, Sirius was just about to say the words he had never used for a spell before in his life. He knew them, had heard them more times than he wished to account for and knew what they did and the determination needed to use them, to make them work. With clenched jaw he hardened the grip on his wand and with all the hatred and anger he could muster he was ready to speak them. With the pain still eating at him and the loss he was feeling giving him the necessary strength to do something that he had never wished to, knowing what it meant, knowing what it would do to him, he was intent to finish it. For James … For Lily … For the life that Harry will no longer have because of this vermin that was trembling in front of him. Sirius Black, Godfather of Harry Potter, best friend of James Potter, opened his mouth and welcomed his faith.
”James and Lily! Sirius how could you?!” words heard by everyone within hearing distance. Words that reached Sirius and pushed him to complete his task, to make James proud, to avenge the life that he will no longer have.
Sirius arched his arm back ready to release those two words that would kill, as the whole street blew up. |
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